Directions to the Lot 1699 Variety Show

So you have heeded Lord Nelson’s call to attend the Lot 1699 Variety Show. Excellent.

Now all you need are directions:

GETTING TO THE LOT 1699 VARIETY SHOW (BY CAR)
21 steps to the best party of 2011, Approx 1hour30mins

1. Cruise south on the North-South Expressway, heading towards Seremban. Pass Nilai and Seremban.
2. Turn off at Exit 219, Port Dickson.
3. After the toll (RM7.70 coming from KL), you will come to a T-junction with traffic lights (there is a row of shophouses here; one of them is UMNO Bahagian Rasah). Turn right.
4. Proceed straight on. You will eventually come to the toll complex of the Seremban-Port Dickson Highway.
5. Pay the RM3.20 fare and fly down this boring expressway.
6. This is important: turn off to the left at Exit 2902, Lukut and Port Dickson (signboards for straight on also indicate Port Dickson, but take the left Exit 2902)
7. Pass empty tollbooths and arrive at a T-junction with traffic lights. There will be a weird sinking stainless-steel boat sculpture on the left that welcomes you to Port Dickson. Turn right.
8. Follow this road. It is essentially PD’s main thoroughfare, so no need to turn anywhere.
9. Pass through Lukut town and keep going straight.
10. After a traffic-lit intersection, you will be driving on a stretch of road that has a centre-divider with big beige stone balls in it.
11. There is another intersection with traffic lights here. You should see a weird-looking white church in the distance to your left. Straight on.
12. Yet another set of lights. There is a mosque on a hill to your right, and an Al-Ikhsan sportswear outlet on your left. Straight on.
13. You pass, on your left: a row of shophouses with a 7-Eleven; another row of shops, with Port Medical Centre; a slope infested with palms and ornamental shrubbery; yet another row of shops. Then, on your right will be a Petronas station.
14. Turn left when you see a “Pejabat Tapak” sign. (This turning is right opposite the Petronas station)
15. Go up the hill.
16. There’s a Y-shaped fork here; take the leftwards branch. You should be passing a house with an ugly fake-tree-trunk fence on your left.
17. Take the second right turning.
18. Then take the second left turning.
19. Lot 1699 is the last bungalow on this dead-end street.
20. Don’t turn in, though! You should park along the glass-shard-tipped wall next to the empty lot (the one with the cargo container in it) or on the overgrown playground on your right.
21. Get out of your car and stretch. Welcome to the Lot 1699 Variety Show.

GOOD END

~

GETTING TO THE LOT 1699 VARIETY SHOW (BY TRAIN+BUS)
9 steps to the best party of 2011, Approx 2 – 3 hours

1. Board the Seremban-bound KTM Komuter at KL Sentral (or your train station of choice).
2. Get off at Seremban train station.
3. When you get out of the platform, head left, past the food stalls and toilets. There is a covered walkway here.
4. Follow the walkway; it will take you to the Seremban bus terminal.
5. Ask someone to point you to the Port Dickson bus. (It won’t be a long wait; the bus is half-hourly.) Fare is RM4.
6. Enjoy the ride.
7. Get off at Port Dickson bus station. You’ll know it because it’s the last stop, everyone gets off, and the driver fucks off to smoke/pee/muck about.
8. Call the house — number’s 06-6462714 — and demand someone pick you up.
9. Enjoy the company of your chauffeur, and the party ahead.

GOOD END

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